I got a call a few weeks ago to pick up “Earl” at a local sports bar/tourist trap place out on the beach, and Earl and his wife are standing out front with another couple. They are all in their late forties/early fifties, staying at a beach resort just a five minute drive up the road. They are dressed like tourists and pretty lit, and judging from their accents, they are from north Georgia or Alabama… they talk like Larry The Cable Guy.
The guy in the back seat is finishing up a story about some on-the-job sexual tryst he once had, with a punchline that went something like, “Well hell, ma’am… I’m not going to tell anyone about that… I don’t work here, I just came to pick up a package.” They all start howling with drunken laughter as I pull out onto the road.
Earl is sitting in the front seat laughing at his friend’s story and says, “Did I ever tell you the story about the butterbean?”
His wife yells, “Earl, shet (not shut) up…!!! Shet up! Don’t you dare tell that dis-GUSS-tin’ story! Jest you shet up!”
Earl yells back, “You shet up, Loretta, this here is one damn funny story!” And Earl begins regaling us with this story of being out on the road for work years ago, and stopping in for some beers late one night in some redneck honky tonk in the middle of nowhere. He says, “So there is this nice looking brunette in her 30’s with really great tits sittin’ there at the bar, and she’s pretty fucked up and in a really bad mood. She says that her ol’ man is fucking some waitress right now, and he doesn’t know it yet, but this is the last straw and she’s through with him… stick a fork in that asshole, he’s done. And then she looks me up and down and smiles and says she’s gonna need a ride home tonight…”
Loretta interrupts and says, “Please, Earl, do not tell this dis-GUSS-tin’ story…”
Earl pays her no mind and continues… “So I’m driving her home and she is all over me… she takes off her top and she’s kissin’ my neck and rubbin’ my pecker… she’s hotter than a five dollar pistol…”
Loretta says to the other woman in the back seat, “I don’t know why he insists on telling this dis-GUSS-tin’ story…”
“So when we get to her apartment, she takes off her bra and her jeans, pours us both a Jack, and then she lights up a marijuana pipe and tells me that it will make her horny… like she needed it, right…? So after she smokes a little, she unzips my pants and goes to town…”
“Earl, please…” Loretta says.
“So the next thing I know, we are goin’ at it hot and heavy, right there on her living room couch… I’m fuckin’ her doggy style, hard and fast, when my dick pops out. So she reaches back and grabs it and sticks it in her asshole, and pushes back hard against me… and I’m thinkin’, Ooooo Kayyy…. I can go with this…”
“Dis-GUSS-tin’…” Loretta says.
I turn into the driveway of the beach resort where they were staying, and Earl continues, “So, I’m goin’ at it, and she’s really grinding her ass into me and moaning and groaning, and I get finished up… and when I pulled out, I looked down, and there is a butterbean perched there on the end of my dick. So I said to her, ‘Hey, did you have butterbeans for dinner yesterday?’. And she says, ‘Yeah, how did you know?’…”
The couple in the back seat is howling with laughter, and Loretta has her face buried in her hands in abject shame at hearing this sordid tale yet once again. I said, “Dude… I was really heavily invested in that story, right up to the end…”
Earl says, “Oh, that’s not the end… the next thing I hear is the sound of a Harley pulling up outside, and she says, ‘Oh, shit, my ol’ man came home!’…”
The guy in the back seat is laughing like crazy and says, “Well, what did you do?”
Earl fishes out his wallet and pays me and says, “What the fuck do you think I did? I wiped my dick off on her curtains, put on my pants, grabbed my clothes, ran out the back door, and got the fuck outta there…”
The temptation to put on a “Larry The Cable Guy” accent and call up a few local dry cleaners and ask what it costs to get butterbeans and fecal matter off the living room drapes is so very great, you can’t even imagine… I should record the calls and post the audio…