Gay Pride week was really good to me, as always… I do love me some gay people. Almost always fun, hands-down the most reliably generous tippers, and I have only had a couple of problem passengers that were gay in the entire time I’ve been driving a taxi. Some drivers are a little phobic about gay people, afraid they are going to get propositioned or have some other awkward situation, but I am not one of them. I understand gay people, and something about my demeanor just tells them that I am friendly but hopelessly heterosexual, and the guys almost never hit on me, at least not seriously…
So I picked up six passengers at a gay bar going to another gay bar, two very effeminate gay guys and four lesbians. They ask how much it will cost to go there, and I tell them about ten or eleven bucks. A big butch lesbian that kinda looks like Simon Cowell more than anyone else I can think of yells, “Ten bucks??? That’s outrageous! That’s robbery, you bandit! These pirate taxi drivers always take advantage of fucked up gay people!” They all laugh and pile in, and we are on the way.
They are all pretty drunk already, and we’ve got six-way crosstalk and loud yelling and laughter for the first half of the ride. Then, one of the gay guys says, “Hey, Mr. Taxi Driver… how many men have wanted to have sex with you in your taxi?”
I said, “Besides you, stud?” Everybody in the car burst out laughing. The other gay guy said that they all had to put their heads together and figure out a way to reduce this outrageously high taxi fare, and again we have six-way jabbering and more yelling and laughing about what perverse acts performed by whom might sway this taxi driver into giving them this ride for free.
I replied, “Well, I’m gay-friendly, but I’m thoroughly hetero, so if we are going to discuss reducing this ‘outrageous’ taxi fare somehow, one of you girls is gonna have to ‘take one for the team‘…”
They are all laughing hysterically and talking simultaneously as I pulled up to a traffic light. The girl in the front seat is a really cute oriental girl, about 25 or 28 years old, wearing a rainbow-striped bikini top and cut-off jean shorts, long dark hair and beautiful eyes. The talking comes to a lull, and I looked dramatically over my shoulder at my passengers, and then I looked at the girl in the front seat and said loudly (but playfully)
The oriental girl laughed and smiled coyly and sweetly at me, absently twirling a lock of her hair in her fingers, and she said, “I don’t know… You aren’t bad… in an older, daddy sorta way… I might… maybe… I dunno… maybe…”
An electric hush has fallen over the car, and glancing out of the corner of my eye, I see the rest of my passengers leaning forward slightly, silent and transfixed by the scene in the front of the taxi. A dramatic, pregnant pause ensues, like eight or ten seconds long, while my eyes are locked with the eyes of the girl in the front seat as we sit at the traffic light. She’s still smiling seductively and playing with her hair… It was a very cute and kinda sexy moment.
And then, the 240 pound Simon Cowell lesbian in the tank top with the big floppy tits seated directly behind me bellows out, “Oh, all right! I’ll fuck him…! But you can only fuck me from behind, and no mouth-kissing!”
The next half mile to the bar was quite possibly the most dangerous half mile that I have ever driven, because I was crying and laughing and holding my ribs the entire way. Definitely not safe to drive… I should have pulled over. The rest of my passengers were similarly choking and gasping with laughter, and when we arrived at the bar, they gave me a 15 dollar tip on a 10 dollar fare.
When I take out-of-towners to a bar or a restaurant, I always give them a business card… they obviously will need a ride back to their hotel at the end of the night, and that way, I can get two or sometimes even three or four fares out of the same passenger, especially if they like me. So I gave them some cards as they are standing in the parking lot next to my car and said, “OK, you guys are going to call me later and settle up, right?”
They all started laughing again, and the big lesbian says, “Oh, we’ll be calling you… and if you like fucking me, maybe I can fuck you from behind, too… you know… return the favor?”
I put a very exaggerated and bug-eyed “shocked and scared” expression on my face, and said, “Ooooooo-kay… I gotta go!” and I pulled away, leaving them all laughing hysterically in the parking lot. As I took off one of the gay guys yelled, “And the rest of us get to watch!”
They never did call me later… that’s a shame. They were fun…