Taxicab Depressions

In theatrical script writing, sketch stories, and poetry, a vignette is a short impressionistic scene that focuses on one moment or gives a trenchant impression about a character, an idea, or a setting, and sometimes an object. -Wikipedia

I’ve been away, I know… busy, busy, busy… but I have a quick one from the other night. I’m not sure if this is too “ya had to be there” for me to put in writing, but lemme tell ya, it was DAMNED funny in the car…

I get a call to pick up 2 couples at a nice house, and two really pretty identical twins walk out, long brunette hair, maybe twenty-eight or so, and their two very decent looking guys. One twin lives in Texas and is visiting her sister here in Florida, and they are going to a club downtown. We hit the road, and they have already had a few drinks and maybe a little smoke, and they are pretty loosened up already. The Texas Twin says, “Fuck, I forgot my deodorant!”

Her sister says, “I got some.” It seems that the cute twins inherited something from Mom, the trait of excessive perspiration, and both these girls carry tiny bottles of deodorant with them all the time. They are really pretty, but apparently very sweaty girls.

Texas Guy says, “Apply liberally…” and everybody laughs.

I said, “So you girls chose to live in Florida and Texas? Maybe you might consider a cooler climate?” Everybody laughs, and the girls talk about the TWO terrible things they inherited from Mom, sweating and tonsil stones.

I had never heard of that, and I said, “What? Tonsil stones?”

Florida Guy in the back makes a retching sound, and says, “Fucking disgusting…”

They all start laughing and jabbering, and Florida Twin tries to drunkenly explain that this is some sort of mineral buildup in the folds of your tonsils. I said, “You’re bullshitting me… I read a lot, and I have been reading a lot for forty years, and I am pretty sure I would have heard about this somewhere before. I have heard of gall stones and kidney stones, but I have never heard of this before. I have my tonsils, and I have never had any “stones”, and I have never heard of anyone else with this condition… this is bullshit…”

They all start laughing and Texas Guy says, “Dude, it is fucking disgusting. She’s in the bathroom hocking up these fucking nodules, and if you squeeze them, they crush in your fingers and stink like hell…”

Everyone is laughing and screaming and the girls protest that it isn’t their fault, its genetics. I am starting to laugh too, because apparently, this is fucking hilarious to everybody else in the car, and I pull up to a traffic light and stop. Suddenly, Florida Twin reaches up from behind me with her phone in her hand, and this picture being displayed:

I’m on the high side of fifty now, and really need reading glasses to see something like this clearly. I said, “Is that you?”

The car explodes in laughter, and Florida Twin screams, “NO! I JUST GOOGLED THAT UP!”

I started laughing and said, “Oh, I’m sorry… I thought maybe you took a selfie in the bathroom and kept it on your phone…” and all four of them are squealing with laughter as she shows the picture around to the others. I said, “I was gonna say that if things don’t work out with Mr. Wonderful back there, if you slap that picture up on your Match.com profile, I bet you’ll get some inquiries…”

All four of them are on the verge of tears as I dropped them off at the club, and Texas Guy gave me a twenty for an eight dollar taxi fare. I yelled out the window, “You know I’m gonna go home and Google this shit up, right?” and they walked up to the club laughing their asses off.