In my post The Pig Trap, I posited that our current situation is not a left/right or liberal/conservative or Democrat/Republican issue, but an “us against them” issue… “we the people” versus the political class, and our current immigration mess illustrates that perfectly. The truth is that the political class of both parties are perfectly OK with the current chaos at the border, because they both benefit from it. The establishment Democrats want millions of new voters, and the establishment Republicans want cheap labor for their business donors… it really is that simple. They don’t care that these immigrants strain budgets, cause increased crime and poverty, burden our schools, prisons, hospitals, and law enforcement agencies, and hurt the job prospects of Americans and legal immigrants… like I said, they don’t give a fuck about you or how this shit affects you, they only care about how it benefits themselves and their cronies.
Let me say up front that I am 100% for legal immigration… come one, come all. Sell all your shit, gather up your kids, leave the shithole you were born in, and come to America… but SIGN THE FUCKING GUESTBOOK! Obey the law! America has very generous immigration law, and while it is not fast, it is worth the wait and the work, and in spite of Obama, America still beats where you came from.
I admit that I am a simple man, and so I simply don’t understand the perceived difficulty in sorting out this immigration problem… I swear, 535 taxi drivers and plumbers and nurses and bartenders and pizza delivery guys motivated by love of country rather than political benefit could fix this in a week, as opposed to most of the elite morons that currently inhabit our Congress, who have been pulling our dicks on this matter for decades. So right here and now, I am going to solve the immigration problem, single-handedly, in three simple steps. You read it here first.
First, we are going to operate from the premise that immigration is GOOD, if that immigration is lawful and the people we are admitting are here to contribute to America, not become a burden on her. And since our teacher’s unions are fire-proof and are churning out illiterates that don’t know shit and can’t tell you what any two Amendments of the Bill of Rights are and don’t give a fuck about anything besides Facebook, smoking weed, and the next season of the Kardashians, we are gonna need us some Indians, Japanese, and other educated immigrants if we are to have any hope of surviving as a nation.
Second, we are also going to operate from the premise that border security is GOOD, because serious people want to kill us. If you have picked up a newspaper in the last ten or twenty years, you have to know that there are some brown people out there whose only purpose in life is to kill Americans and destroy the USA, and we are conveniently letting thousands of brown people cross our southern border every damned day. If George Bush and Barack Obama have been telling us the truth and there is indeed a Global War On Terror™, why wasn’t the border sealed up as watertight as a frog’s ass on September 12th, 2001, long before the TSA started banning nail clippers, bottled water, and shampoo, and started groping our children’s crotches and strip-searching little old white ladies from Topeka in wheelchairs?
So, accepting those two premises, here is how we solve the immigration problem in America:
Step One: Strafe The Border
We don’t need walls or fences, we don’t need hundreds or thousands of new border agents, all we need is air power. My original thought was to pull some old Vietnam-era Hueys out of mothballs, but I realized that isn’t necessary. We have military bases out there along the border with Apaches and Blackhawks, and the pilots and personnel need training and practice, and we have our Nintendo drone jockeys that need training as well. Warm up the night-vision and FLIR gear, load the Ma Deuce, and fly the border. When a group of immigrants is seen approaching the border, lay down some fifty caliber fire 10 yards in front of them, and turn them back. I would wager that after 30 days of this policy, illegal border crossings would become exceedingly rare.
Now, if you are some liberal idiot, you might be thinking, “But… but… but… what if we KILLED someone?”
Well, that would indeed be unfortunate, but that person was BREAKING THE LAW. What part of “illegal immigrant” do you not understand? I have no more sympathy for that person than I have for a bank robber that pulls a gun on a cop, a crackhead that gets shot in a robbery, or a burglar that gets his head blown off breaking into the home of an armed, law-abiding citizen. And it does not matter that he was only trying to give his family a better life; he could have given his family a better life without breaking the law. No one gets shot at the immigration office in Tijuana… the line forms to the right, take a number, have a seat in our air-conditioned lobby, fill out this form, and we will get to you on a first-come, first-served basis.
Step Two: Remove All Incentives
No illegal immigrant gets a job or any taxpayer or governmental benefit by being here. Jail business owners that are found employing illegal immigrants, and even offer incentives and tax breaks to employers that hire only legal immigrants. No driver’s licenses, no food stamps, no Section 8 housing, no welfare, no school enrollment, nothing. Reduce illegal immigrants to the lifestyle of Sterno bums living under an overpass, and they will stop coming. In fact, hunger alone will compel them to “self-deport”, as Mitt famously stated… that, or get their paperwork in order.
Step Three: Deport Them All
People say all the time, “Well, you can’t deport 10 or 15 million people,” and I say, “Why the fuck not?” It took decades to get where we are today, and it may well take decades to make things right. Think of this as a long-term jobs program to stimulate Obama’s crappy economy, with hundreds of Class-B licensed bus drivers and pilots added to the job rolls across the nation. If an illegal immigrant has an encounter of any sort with a police officer or other government official anywhere in the United States, they will be detained and put on a bus to a new outbound immigration facility in Arizona, where they are given the choice to walk south, get jailed, or get shot. If an illegal immigrant is arrested for criminal activity, they will serve their term, then be put on the bus. If you are arrested with MS-13 or Zetas tattoos or affiliations, well, you will earn VIP seating status and will bump a poor tomato-picker out of his seat on the next bus to the border. The Mexican government let you in, so you are now their problem.
And no, I really don’t give a rat’s hairy ass if Mexico objects… fuggum. They have been facilitating this for decades, and I don’t believe for a second that 9 year olds from Guatemala and Honduras are traversing Mexico without government help. Meanwhile, they are holding a US Marine in hellish conditions, simply for making a wrong turn into Mexico, and refusing to turn him over to US officials or release him outright. And just what are they going to do, declare war on the United States? We could destroy all their infrastructure and military capacity in 72 hours, “Shock and Awe” style… this situation might even inspire them to get serious about sorting out their own corruption, crime, and domestic problems, especially with thousands of new Spanish speaking people flooding into their country every day for the next decade or two.
Again, if you are a liberal idiot, you might say, “But… but… but… what about THE CHILDREN???”
Well, with only one four year old child myself, I may be something of a novice at the whole “parenting” thing… but even with my limited experience at being a Dad, I am pretty sure I would not try to circumvent the immigration law of another country and sneak into Mexico or Canada or Norway or Iran or China or Russia or Bolivia or Pakistan or Tanzania or Croatia, thereby risking arrest, prison, and deportation, and leaving the disposition of my cute lil Punkin’ at the whim of some political bureaucrat in a place like, oh, I dunno… Pyongyang or Manila or Istanbul…
Mi amigo, if you are in cuffs and on your way to Tijuana, crying about your babies, I got no sympathy for ya… you fucked up, and you have no one to blame for your child’s predicament but yourself. Own it, Papi…
Now if you were born in this country to illegal immigrants, the current (but incorrect) interpretation of the law says you are indeed an American (if you can provide documentation of that), but Mom and Dad have to go. And if you are a minor, that means you go to the custody of another family member that is a US citizen, or at least an immigrant that is following the law and has legal documentation, or you become a ward of the state until you are of age. Yes, that sucks… but blame your foolish parents, and not the laws they violated. You do have the option to return south of the border with your parents, if that is what they want, and if Mexico accepts your American passport.
Again, if you are a liberal idiot, you might say, “But… but… but… America is a nation of immigrants!”
Yes, that is very true. But to paraphrase an old song from the sixties, “the times, they have a-changed…” The Pilgrims that came here in the beginning of our history got no government assistance. The British colonists didn’t get food stamps. The French immigrants didn’t get welfare. The Irish and Italian immigrants streaming through Ellis Island didn’t get Section 8 housing, nor did the Dutch or the Germans. The Chinese that flooded the west in the late 1800’s didn’t get EBT cards. The Jews fleeing Europe in the early 20th century didn’t get dick from the government. The Koreans and Vietnamese and Cambodians and Laotians didn’t get squat. All they got was FREEDOM and LIBERTY… and that was enough. They made their own way, worked hard, learned English, assimilated, and became Americans. But these millions of Mexicans are here only for the freebies and demanding that I press *1 for English, soaking up an ever-increasing amount of ever-decreasing taxpayer dollars, and frankly, we simply can’t afford it.
America is a country based on WORK, not immigrants. Get legal, get your paperwork in order, learn English, get a job, or get the fuck out. Problem solved.