I’m sure some people don’t believe me when I say wasted women will proposition a taxi driver, but it is true. It’s not some Penthouse Forum “Gee, I can’t believe this happened to me ” fantasy; it happens rather frequently. I have noticed that it happens less often for me now, and I think that is because over the years, I have become much more selective about who gets in my car, and really wasted women can be a puke risk, not to mention that every once in a while, shit like this happens. Back when I was new at this job, I was under the impression that I had to pick up anyone, but the bar for entering my car has been elevated significantly over the years, but even so, it still happens.

Just three weeks ago, a drunk but very attractive woman fifteen years younger than me grabbed my crotch and suggested that if she could somehow spend the night with me rather than where I was taking her, I would be amply rewarded. Yes, she’ll be in the book. Had I decided to spring for a seedy $60 motel room, that pussy was there for the taking and I could have torn it up all night long, I’m certain of that. But setting aside the fact that I am married, I have often said that you just can’t know for sure if this woman is just a horny drunken slut, or a psycho that will call the cops and have them scraping semen samples out of her panties once she sobers up, and then you find yourself in the pokey for five or ten or twenty years on a rape charge… it’s just not worth the risk, no matter how hot she looks or how much she says she wants it.

A reader emailed me this story, and it is a textbook example of how this shit happens. Go read this story, watch this video, and then let me critique what you are seeing.

OK, let’s review and go over the After Action Report. What stands out in this story? Right off the bat, the video is of remarkable quality, because it was shot in the daylight. That was the first thing that stood out to me, because this shit always happens in the dark. I usually punch out between 2 and 4 AM, and in my experience, this shit always happens after midnite, and always following copious consumption of alcohol. My teammate Mike The Noob who works day shift always says that one of his favorite times of day is early Saturday and Sunday mornings, when these girls that went out the previous night and hooked up with some random dude from the club are making their Walk Of Shame home, painfully hungover with smeared makeup and fucked up hair and wearing their skimpy little dresses and slutty shoes that might have looked pretty hot last night, but now look rather whorish in the bright glare of the morning sun, as the church-going crowd is heading out to worship.

The newspaper report states, “[The woman] has acknowledged in a previous interview with NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune that she was drunk when [the taxi driver] picked her up in his White Fleet taxi near Bourbon and Bienville streets on the morning of April 6, 2012.”

Wait… what? The sun is up and she is still drunk? Sounds like one helluva night… but she doesn’t seem really drunk in the video, does she? She appears to have her faculties about her, and seems very sincere in her desire to screw this taxi driver.

Moving on, the taxi driver turning on the video camera on his phone was the smartest thing this guy did. I told a story about another taxi driver who made this mistake in my post The Perils Of Taxi Pussy, and in his case, after voluntarily returning to the “scene of the crime” and telling the officers his side of the story, they believed him more than the woman he banged. But that was an aberration; it isn’t the cops’ job to determine innocence or guilt, that is for courts, judges, and juries to decide. If a girl says she was raped, they typically cuff up the accused and take him to jail, and the cop gets to sleep easily that night, content in the knowledge that he got a rapist off the streets, whether the taxi driver was actually guilty or not. So in this circumstance, any supporting evidence you can provide will be of value.

On the other hand, his wisdom in firing up the video recorder on his phone is completely negated by the fact that it appears that his dick is already out of his pants and she is stroking it. I can’t really tell from the pixelated video, but if so, Dude… seriously…? How did your dick get out of your pants? You have already let this situation escalate way out of control. I can say with complete confidence that no passenger of mine has ever seen my dong. In this particular circumstance, I believe the driver’s story would be stronger if the only genitals on display belonged to this woman.

Though the video doesn’t show it, the article says, “As he drives away, Farrell [the driver] can be heard muttering, “You made me blow a (expletive) load, you (expletive) whore.”

Am I the only taxi driver on the planet that has seen an episode or two of CSI: Miami? One word: DNA! And tell me again, why was your dick out of your pants? This guy is so lucky that she didn’t smear that load into her panties, because if she had, he would be going inside for all day.

So the driver calls the cops; again, probably smart, because he wants to be on the record about what happened, and she got charged and convicted with simple battery. And whaddaya know, it turns out that the hosebag in his car isn’t just some barslut, she’s a lawyer with a radio show… that escalated quickly, huh?

And then some time later, the woman called police and claimed that the taxi driver filmed her cooch surreptitiously and tried to blackmail her via email for $60,000, a claim that should be simple to prove by forwarding his email. A warrant for video voyeurism and extortion was issued without anyone trying to contact the driver or his company or looking at the previous police report, and a routine traffic stop got the driver jailed and got his face on the local news. He subsequently lost his taxi license, and now this affair has spun into a federal lawsuit… just because some horny chick wanted to get laid and was rebuffed.

These are the sorta headaches I don’t need, and they are all simply avoided… just don’t go there. Nothing good can come of this. The chances that a random piece of ass procured in a taxi will not have serious consequences are roughly 50/50, and if you have a wife or girlfriend, those odds start to seriously plummet. Think of it this way; if you worked for a plumber or a landscaping company or an AC repair company or a pool service and the female customer asked you to come into her bedroom and bed her, would that be OK with your boss? Have you EVER had a job where it was OK to literally SCREW your employer’s customer? And even if you are self-employed, do you want your face on the local news and want all your current and prospective future customers knowing you had sex with a customer, and the consensuality of that sex is in question? Even if you are totally innocent and blameless, how is that good for business?

Just don’t go there. A random piece of ass is just not worth it. If you are extraordinarily lucky, she is just a horny chick that wants to get laid, and you are conveniently the last male she will see tonight. But if it goes badly, you could be out of a job, probably out of a wife or a girlfriend, and maybe doing twenty years in Pound You In The Ass State Penitentiary.

Don’t drop the soap…

[EDIT] I notice that this video is not displaying on my iPad. I tried to extract the video so I could convert it to something I could host locally that would display properly, but so far I have not been successful. If any of you guys can pull this video down and send it to me, I would appresciate it.]

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  1. Larry R says:

    Reminds me a bit about the lacrosse players at Duke. Yeah, they were innocent. But there are a whole host of potential problems that can be avoided by not hiring a stripper to perform in your dorm room. When I went to school, I led a pretty dull life in comparison. No regrets.

  2. Big Al says:

    That is just nasty. Capture the guy while he is driving the car and try to set him up for a kill. Scary.

  3. Ken says:

    That was excellent advice. Once you start down a path like that, you are already in potential trouble.

  4. Gal Spunes says:

    Looks to me like the pixellation is to obscure her crotch, not his johnson.

    He still F’ed up by allowing the kissing to happen, but I don’t read or see anything to suggest she ‘got it out’.

  5. LCB says:

    Me brudder used to carry mail. Women would come to the door stark nekkid when he walked up on their porch to put mail in the, uh, box. Same worry about entrapment applies!

  6. bringthereality says:

    As a 10-yr veteran of the hack wars,I ran into this a lot. After that much alcohol, the core concept of “responsibility” sailed hours ago. The worst situation was where I literally had to assist her to her room, then she started hitting on me.

    Trumped up rape charges aside, I’ve found drunk chicks to be bad lays and then not worth the grief… that could just me being jaded after years of groupie sex. (I prefer potheads myself. More openness, less puking.)

  7. Coyote Hubbard says:

    Going off topic… I know your busy with the book but I love your stuff and and its been a few months since ya posted anything. Your stuff is gold and you leave us hanging 8=P

  8. Sense says:

    Why don’t you just record her saying “fuck me”. You could be honest about why you’re doing it, or just act like you’re being playful. As long as you have enough evidence that she can’t lie about what happened, and you don’t let her erase it then you’re good. You could also remind her afterwards so she doesn’t try some BS anyway and waste your time even though you still have proof. But in the end, you’re still having sex with a random chick that could have a disease or whatever.