The Greatest Twitter Account Ever

Posted: 15th February 2013 by Taxi Hack in Uncategorized

I was reluctant to get on Twitter… I’m really busy, and I just don’t have time to pay attention to the moronic missives of talentless rappers or some vapid celebutard’s most recent yeast infection. Seriously… if you aren’t banging Kim Kardashian, why would you give a rat’s ass about anything she has to say? But on the other hand, I find that I do like reading the tweets of other hacks… misery loves company, I suppose. But most of all, I enjoy Twitter accounts that make me laugh or offer incisive political commentary. It is truly a shame that most of my literary heroes died before Twitter… can you imagine following the Twitter feeds of the likes of Hunter Thompson, Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, or HL Menken?

If you don’t know who those people are, you need a library card… badly… twenty bucks says you voted for Obama.

I deeply regret that Andrew Breitbart passed before I got on Twitter.

I have enjoyed @ShitMyDadSays for a long time… a truly epic and hilarious account that reminds me of my own old man. But without a doubt, The Greatest Twitter Account Ever is a superhero… not Batman, not Superman, not Spiderman or Aquaman. No, I proudly follow the Twitter account of Florida Man.

Florida Man

Florida Man is the real-life headlines about the world’s worst superhero. Just some of his recent posts:

Florida Man Arrested While Sunbathing Naked And Holding Rubber Penis

Florida Man Arrested For Driving While Masturbating With A Toy Gun In His Ass

Florida Man Mistakes Girlfriend For Hog, Shoots Her

Florida Man Accused Of Shooting Six Cows In The Face

Florida Man Arrested For Calling 911 After His Cat Was Denied Entry Into Strip Club

Florida Man Accidentally Shoots Off Penis And Testicles While Cleaning Gun

Florida Man Smokes Synthetic Pot, Shoots Glock, Runs Around Neighborhood Naked

Hallucinating Florida Man Seeing Imaginary Aliens Walks Into Store With With Large Knives And Asks Not To Be Eaten

Florida Man Caught Masturbating In Front Yard, Left “Unknown Clear Liquid Substance” On Door Knob

Florida Man Busted For Performing Back Alley Butt Injections

I truly wish I had thought of this. Sheer, unadulterated genius. Ever since I discovered him, I have laughed daily at his zany news headlines, and as a Florida taxi driver, I am certain I have driven Florida Man on more than one occasion. Florida Man deserves to get wealthy from this, and I hope to someday be his personal chauffeur and sidekick, like Cato to the Green Hornet. Just gotta get me the cap and black gloves…

Or maybe a ballgag, a six-pack of Vaseline, and a spatula…

Follow @_FloridaMan on Twitter. You won’t regret it.

Also, hat tip to David Burge, aka @IowaHawkBlog for introducing me to Florida Man. Follow him on Twitter. Remember I mentioned incisive political commentary earlier? This man is a straightrazor of political insight. You’ll get smarter reading his blog.

And while you are at it, follow me too… @TheTaxiHack.

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  1. ric says:

    Reading your stories has reminded me of an experience I had 20 years ago as a newly certificates flight instructior. A woman comes in and says ” I told my son if he had good grades this last report card I’d buy him a flying lesson” well, he did and she did so they scheduled an “intro” flight for the following Saturday.

    They showed up on time and we did the usual pre-flight process and got inv the plane.
    I put him in the.Left front seat, the captain’s chair if you will and we taxied out.

    Now this boy was maybe. 10 to 12 he wasn’t small but for all practical purposes he couldn’t see over the glare shield, dash board to put in perspective. His mother is safely buckled in the back seat and all of us are wearing headsets with full voice intercom. It was easy for the three of us to communicate.
    We took took off with no issues and proceed away from the airport area.
    Now the young boy wanted to do things like loops and dives and other gentle aerobatic maneuvers but I explained that wasn’t possible in this basic trainer.

    After about 10 minutes of straigh and level flying, the boy said he didn’t feel well.

    The next 5 seconds was an act of mothering I couldn’t possibly imagine.
    This woman heard her son say he didn’t feel well and in a matter of a blink dumped the contents of her expensive large L V purse onto the floor and with out hesitation put the bag to the boys mouth and he proceeded to fill it. They did not spill a drop . We turned around and landed safely . So, please feel free to suggest to clients the alternate use of expensive handbags.

    Thanks for the fantastic stories